


Music Box Melancholy

by ElysiumsFalling



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Denial of Feelings, Depression, F/M, Friendship/Love, Pining, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-05-07 20:40:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14679096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElysiumsFalling/pseuds/ElysiumsFalling
Summary: Heartbreak and self-loathing have ruled her life for as long as she can remember. She hates looking in the mirror. Hates the woman she sees staring back at her. There are bright spots, though, that keep her from getting lost in the dark.





	Music Box Melancholy

She takes a deep breath, closes her eyes, and waits. The music starts a second later and she lets it move her. It carries her, sways her hips, leads her feet. Her body twists and turns; spins like some sort of graceful top. When she's dancing, she's free. The music helps her forget. When she dances, she can pretend for a moment that she actually likes herself. Because this she can do. This she is good at. This is the one thing that makes her whole.

She isn't complicated. She's simple. She's broken; raw and jagged pieces carving out a path through her life that she never wanted.

Sometimes, when she's lost in the song, she can open her eyes and not hate the reflection staring back at her. It's a challenge, of course. The room is filled with mirrors and she never turns on the lights. The dark is easier to hide in. It's easier to navigate. In the dark, there's only the music and the way it makes her feel.

She can't always be in that room though. Life exists around her and she has to go through the motions of living. She gets up, puts on her mask, and pretends she belongs. She knows the truth though. She's too pale, too thin, too short, too much of everything that makes her not enough.

Her mother loves her. She's mommy's little angel despite the horns that tilt her tarnished halo. Her brother is her shield. He'd protect her from anything, but she hasn't needed protecting since she was little. At least, not from anyone other than herself. Daddy left years ago. He's gone or just plain dead and she tries not to think about it too much. It's hard to miss someone that was never there.

 

* * *

 

Sometimes she isn't alone in that room. Sometimes he's with her and she likes the way he looks at her. He's silent; a ghost in the shadows while she dances away her demons.

He's her only other safe harbor in the storm of life. She can't remember a time when he hasn't been there. They've always been friends. Closer than family. Closer than blood. He's the reason every smile isn't a fake. The reason she still cares at all. The reason she still tries.

It's hard though. He looks at her like she's a queen, but she can't let herself believe everything else she sees in his eyes. Love is a dangerous lie. It's sharp and damning. It's fragile; made up of hopes and dreams, promises that will inevitably be broken. Dreams fade. Hope dies. Love fades. People leave. Nothing is forever. 

She learned that early. She's had her heart broken time and again. There's always someone better. There's always someone more. She'll always be someone's second choice and it's carved out everything good inside. Love isn't pretty or nice. It's twisted and painful. It's empty and false. Just like her.

Still, he smiles at her. He watches her. He looks at her with love in his eyes and she holds herself just out of reach. If she never lets herself fall, then she can't be disappointed when he doesn't catch her.

 

* * *

 

Sometimes she wonders what it would be like to die. She wonders if they would miss her. She wonders if they would notice at all. Her family. Her friends. The ones she's loved that said they loved her too. 

She's said it before, teasing... 'You'll miss me when I'm gone.' But would they?

She thinks maybe they would mourn for a while. But life goes on. The world keeps turning. The music keeps playing. Someone else would dance in her room. Someone else would fill their hearts.

One day he'll be gone. One day the music will stop and it'll all just be darkness and ash.

Until then, she'll keep dancing and pretending that it matters.

 

**Author's Note:**

> We have all struggled with depression or know someone who has. It is not a simple state of mind. It is not something that ever goes away. It is a constant battle that always needs to be fought.
> 
> Ask for help. You are not alone. Someone loves you. Someone cares.
> 
>  
> 
> [Suicide Prevention Lifeline](https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/)


End file.
